I am curious what other people think of the wiki-how of the day.
read it here.
It is titled "How to be just friends with a member of the opposite sex"
I have guys that I guess I would consider friends, but in most cases it is more like I am friends with their wives and therefore friends with them. Don't get me wrong, I like them and enjoy being around them but if I wasn't friends with their wives then we would have no reason to hang out. I just can't imagine at this point in my life being friends with a guy like this article talks about. I also can't imagine being okay with Justin "going out" for the night with a girl. No matter who she is. Maybe I'm just a jealous wife? I don't think I've ever heard of any of my friends husbands (or my friends themselves) hanging out one on one with a member of the opposite sex. Is that just because we are christians and in the "christian community" that isn't really something that is done?
Thoughts and opinions please. :)
11 comments:
hmmmmm...I want other people to answer because I think it's a good question..but..I don't really have a great answer. All I know is I agree that I would not be ok with Brad going to hang out with a friend that is a girl. I am pretty sure he would say the same. I think it would be really hard to have a friend of the opposite sex that you hang out with unless maybe you were best friends with them for a really long time before you were ever married(..and maybe they would have to be gay too!ha! but..if they were your best friend before you were married maybe you should have married that person...like I did:) but I guess then the gay thing wouldn't work. ..hmm
mostly, girls are just kind of lame to be around unless your my wife. [n.o. d.e.s.i.r.e.]
i'm into dudes and my wife, but not in that order.
no offense to the wives of my friends.
I feel the same way You do( Kristi and Liz).
We know some guys who will not enter a home unless husband and wife are both home. I think that may be exteme, but it does avoid any apperances of evil.
that's how i role, julia.
one time last year, danyul and i went to ryan's house to watch a football game, but he had just gotten called into work. so, because it was both danyul and i, we went directly upstairs and watched the game. we had brought steaks over so we used ryan's BBQ grill at halftime and that's when he came home. that was weird, but because of the circumstances, and danyul and i were both there it worked out ok. now it's just a funny memory!
i also don't drive with girls anywhere in a car. and will only meet in public with them [urraco, my office in FBC if there are others there, etc.]. this applies to women of all ages. except my mom, my sister kaci, and g. deb.
...and my daughter priya, but i haven't had a chance to do that yet. i'm looking forward to that.
call me extreme.
extremely in love with jesus and my wife.
are there exceptions to the rule?
not many.
but there probably are.
but definitely not many.
at all.
I don't have a problem with girls and guys being friends. Royal has a few friends that are girls and when we lived in Seattle, he would meet up with them once in awhile - sometimes without me. Granted, these were girls that he knew before he knew me, some of them he was housemates with in college. Now that we live in Olympia, it's harder for them to just get together, but I know he still is in contact with them over email. One girl he still hangs out with, was actually a college roommate of mine, but a highschool friend of his (obviously how Royal and I met).
I'm obviously not jealous and am trusting of Royal. I know Royal pretty well and how he behaves and how he acts. I'm not insecure enough in our relationship to think that Royal would be inappropriate.
Most of my friends in Seattle were guys. I worked in a field that was 90% male, so the people I was meeting were guys. And quite a few of these guys, I hung out with all the time, and I still am in contact with. I even now would hang out with them without Royal, and I don't think there is anything inappropriate about it. And Royal wouldn't have a problem with it either.
I think girls and guys can be friends. I think it all has to do with the boundaries of your relationship. You do not have to flirt with a member of the opposite sex, you can actually carry on a conversation, talk and care about someone else without it being sexual. If you're worried about what people are thinking...well, if you are acting inappropriate then your relationship with that other person will look and feel inappropriate. People can go ahead think what they want about me, but I don't get my self value or base who my friends are going to be off of what other people think.
I was referring to one guy who waited on the porch for me to drag out a bed frame he was picking up. And another who waited on the porch 'cause he was picking up his kids. Staying a while to watch football "alone" may be different. I've never had a situation like that come up. No disrespect was indeanded. It is easy to honor, as I would not hang out without thier wives either. It's a good standard.
AND.. I am a jelous wife, James would never be allowed to meet with and lady friends without me there. I'd have a fit!!
i would get a bed frame out of the house, i think.
Some people have told me that they thought the comment I left above was "harsh". I didn't mean to do that at all, that's not how I wanted to come across. I didn't want to be mean.
I guess this whole subject and the comments that have been made, leaves me a little sad. I'm sad that people are living in fear of their spouses cheating on them, fear of not being able to trust themselves with somebody else, fear that people are out there to try and ruin your lives. Some people probably live with that fear for valid reasons, but I was just surprised at what people were saying. Like this left by Justin "mostly, girls are just kind of lame to be around unless your my wife. [n.o. d.e.s.i.r.e.]" I think it's sad that if you can't have or don't want a sexual relationship with a girl, then they aren't worth being around. Julia said that "it does avoid any apperances of evil." I think it's sad that people would automatically assume something inappropriate was happening just because people were alone together. Maybe I have just lived outside of a small town long enough to form a different opinion. (there's nothing wrong with small towns, I love them - I grew up in Shelton, I also understand how people can think and talk in a small town).
I just think it's sad some of the things that Justin said about not riding alone in a car or be anywhere alone with a girl (other than family). What are those girls missing out on that is getting shared with boys? Not intentionally of course, but there is a bit of discrimination that's happening. I understand people are trying to protect themselves, but how are these girls/women missing out on being ministered to because a guy/man refuses to have a friendship with them? Jesus was alone with a woman at the well. No one else wanted to be with her, but Jesus was willing to talk to her and show love to her, despite her reputation or what people would think of Him. She needed to know how much Jesus loved her too. Who is the ultimate judge here? Am I going to be judged because some gossip got spread around town because I was seen talking to a man that wasn't my husband, or am I going to be judge because I was afraid to talk and show love to another man, that I wasn't married to, because of what people would think.
I feel like we are more than just sexual beings. We can control ourselves and our bodies, when we want to. God designed us for more than just a sexual relationship with someone of the opposite sex. You can be friends, there needs to be boundaries, but people of the opposite sex make great friends. I don't think you guys know what you're missing!
I think with Justin's job it is important to maintain boundaries with girls like he does.
He does have meetings with girls or meet them for coffee, but always in a public place. I think there are too many instances where youth pastors or regular pastors ministries have been ruined because a woman "claimed" something happened, or she misunderstood something that went on. In the eyes of most people pastors are expected to be perfect. And if someone saw Justin at a local restaurant or coffee shop with a girl our age...I am POSITIVE that the rumors would fly. It could be completely innocent, but in the eyes of others it would be inappropriate. And while I believe they would be wrong to gossip about it when they don't have the full story, the harm would still be done.
I also can't imagine being home all day with Judah and having Justin come home only to head out to hang out with another girl. Or even to meet for lunch, etc. I feel like I get so little time with him because of his schedule that I would be hurt if he choose to hang out with another female over hanging out with me.
I think that too many people have started friendships innocently and they turned into affairs. They ruined the image of opposite sex friendships for everyone else. Now if you are seen out with a guy/girl that isn't your spouse you are labeled as "cheating". I do agree with you that is sad. Even if I had the desire to have a friendship with a male, I wouldn't feel free to because of the "label" that would come along with it. I don't know what the solution is for that. Either you withstand all the "accusations" or you just don't go there at all.
Rachel, I am glad you shared your opinion, I was really hoping to hear from someone that "disagreed" with me. Thank you for your honesty in sharing.
Rachel, I did'nt think your answers are harsh. I agree with this statement, too "If you're worried about what people are thinking...well, if you are acting inappropriate then your relationship with that other person will look and feel inappropriate. People can go ahead think what they want about me, but I don't get my self value or base who my friends are going to be off of what other people think."
I also am not afraid of James cheating. Ever. I'm jelous and selfish I don't want to share his attention.
I also do not think you are mean, Rachel. We're allowed to feel differntly. It causes thought.
I think that it is pretty much impossible to be friends with the opposite sex, especially after you are married. Chad and I had a huge discussion on this when we were dating, mostly because most of my friends were guys. But I have to agree with you, Chad going out with some girl, be it a "best friend" or whatever is not cool with me and Chad would certainly not be cool with me going out with a guy friend, thus we have none. We used to, but it's really just pointless, because at some time, there are bound to be feelings or have been feelings on one person's part and that just makes things wierd.
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